You Could Be Happy
by SilvertonguedClotpole
Summary: "Arthur didn't deserve the happiness. But /he/ did, /he/ deserved all the happiness in the goddamn world. It hurt to think he couldn't hold him in his arms anymore...and here he was, staring at the man he had loved more than anything in the world." So a very un-pub-like song comes on and just happens to coincide with a man from Arthur's past walking into the room.(songifc, sort of)


_**Hey all. One of my really random fic's I felt I needed to write, although imagining it in my head was far easier than typing it out. It may not make a great deal of sense though I hope it does. A quick type up and read through so I may alter/maybe even delete soon if I realise how terrible it could be. I usually say I'm not sure if I'm 100% Merthur (not sure how you can't be 100% on a ship but I am) yet obviously this is very much so. Fluff and angst, at least I hope.**_  
 _ **-I'm working on a long fic at the moment so I'm really hoping to get it out to you as I'm enjoying the plot and have had it in my head for a while so *touch wood*.**_

 _ **No beta so all mistakes my own. I DO NOT own Merlin and I definitely do not take liberties to the song lyrics. Title and words taken from the song of the same name by Snow Patrol.**_

* * *

"Geez, I thought pubs were meant to play cheery music. This is enough to make anyone cry into their pint." Percy pushed off from the table and stalked off towards the bartender. Arthur ignored him, his eyes fixed on a person across the room. _Of all the fucking people to walk into the pub, and of all the fucking songs to come on just as he did._

He was smiling, there was that warming smile Arthur had loved so much. The one that set a dimple in his chin, scrunched his eyes up and made his cheeks glow wildly. God how he'd missed that smile. And all this time he wasn't sure the man in front of him was happy, if he'd moved on and gotten over Arthur. For his side, he certainly hadn't. The man had ran away, he'd left their life and he had no way of knowing if he was pleased.

 ** _You could be happy and I won't know  
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go._**

He remembered the day, he always would. Doors slammed, tears were shed, throats roared as the screams and shouts became a cacophony. He remembered watching the man's back as he left, his few belongings in a satchel on his shoulder, his hood on his head to hide his marked face. For the tears, the paleness and the red rimmed eyes were a scar on the beautiful canvas Arthur had loved so much and although he had never lifted a finger against the man, he had marked it, he had been the cause.

The world slowed down around him as his focus built on the dark haired man. Why had he come back? Why had he walked into the pub smiling so freely?

 ** _And all the things that I wished I had not said  
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head_**

The memories played over, over and over, they always had. The late nights, the drinking and the wallowing in self pity. Arthur had never thought himself a self loathing, wallowing type, never one to cry over love or past mistakes, but this was one always different, _he_ always had been. He was a light in Arthur's life and damn it he'd made everything better. Why had Arthur said the things he did, it was stupid and he was jealous and too possessive. He'd actually thought the man who'd given him his all would take it away, would tarnish it. But no, in the end it had been him.

 _"We said we were each other's. We said there was no-one else."_

 _"There isn't you bastard. It's you, it's always been you!"_

 _"Them lot, the guys, Morgana, they always say when we're in a room it's like they don't exist, it's just you and I. No-one else."_

 _"And it is...you're...I don't know why you think I would change that."_

 _"I've seen you. I know. You smell like someone else. You smell like_ him _."_

 _He stopped. The man stopped. His blue eyes shining with tears, shock written across his face. The shock turning to confusion and then quickly anger. "You think I would go back to him, to the man that hit me? When I met you I hated the world and you think I would go back to living like that!? It's a common perfume Arthur, fucking Gwaine wears it for christ's sake!"_

 _Silence._

 _"I would never. I thought you knew that." His voice wavered, the crack lining his words like a cliff falling into the sea. "I love you. You're mine. And only you!"_

And he'd ignored him. He ignored the adoration that was so evident, so obvious, so painful. At first he had blamed work stresses, and his father's sudden ill health, but once it had passed he still felt the sting of jealousy and suspicion. Even after _he_ had left, walked out and taken the happiness with him Arthur still felt he had run away from the truth.

The last days were the worst. The silence as they retreated into themselves, breaking away from the one they had been. Two halves no longer whole. And when there wasn't silence there was screaming, pure rage. Accusations vs defence. Lack of trust vs pure loyalty. They blurred, the rows and the silence, blurring with tears and vodka, glasses smashed as another wave of anger took hold. He had looked at the man, the one with tears streaming down his face and he hated it. Before he had hated the tears because they were tears of agony, of depression and his love did not deserve such misery, but it turned to hate for them being there, they were tears of guilt to him and he saw nothing else. It was evidence enough at the time. If only he'd known they were truly tears of grief. Now he just wished he could turn it back, take it all away and replace it with what was. The happiness, the clichéd romance, but oh so much adoration and respect. Arthur's life had been changed, and in turn he had pulled someone from the edge. Arthur had saved _him_ from the darkness.

 ** _Is it too late to remind you how we were  
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur_**

He'd pulled _him_ from the edge once, taken the pain and suffering away. Re-written _his_ shattered mind and memories and filled them with sunshine, and love. Yet when the time was truly right to pull him back, hold him in his arms and save the day, he hadn't. He'd watched him leave.

 ** _Most of what I remember makes me sure  
I should have stopped you from walking out the door_**

He found himself miming the words, listening to them and really feeling them as the memories played afresh in his mind. He deserved what he'd gotten, it was his fault, he'd pushed him away. After everything he had done, all the misery he had caused he truly hoped the man he had loved was happy, it was all he deserved. The raven haired figure he used to love _(still did love)_ had given him the world, had shown him devotion he had never had before. He was the happiest man alive.

 ** _You could be happy, I hope you are  
You made me happier than I'd been by far_**

The last few months had been hard. He had resigned himself to move on, to try and forget; it was obvious forgiveness and reunions were not on the cards for him. Packing boxes was more difficult than he could ever have imagined. The scent of his former lover lingering on the sheets, the cushions and the hoody he had once worn, probably under a starry sky or by the log fire at one of Lancelot's many barbecues. In the moments he lifts the garments to his nose he breaths in the memories, breaths in the happiness that once was. If he closed his eyes, it was all a lie, the pain and anger was bitter thoughts and some alternate horror. It couldn't really be true. The loss of that scent hurt most. It was the last remaining thing he had, the smallest amount of joy before the guilt set in anew.

 ** _Somehow everything I own smells of you  
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true_**

 _"This is my list. Cliché travel the world but I want to see things, I want to do things. See the Aurora Borealis, watch a meteor shower somewhere the stars can go on forever. I want to see the history, whether it be Machu Picchu or some French château. Arthur I want to be happy. But then...then I realise wherever you are, I am. Maybe I don't need Norway or Peru, just us."_

He hoped he was doing the things he wanted. He prayed that Norway was a stamp on his passport or that his laptop was littered with pictures of him, smiling, with some ancient monument behind him. Arthur had always been scared of flying, had never really grasped the understanding of wanting to see a crumbling ruin. In truth, maybe the bucket list would have been completed if not for him. It probably was, now.

 ** _Do the things that you always wanted to  
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do_**

As he stood staring his heart leapt at the smile. He had fucked up. He had wiped that angel grin off his face because he was a jealous idiot. Arthur didn't deserve the happiness. But _he_ did, _he_ deserved all the happiness in the goddamn world. It hurt to think he couldn't have him, couldn't hold him in his arms anymore, but he had made his choices, however wrong, and here he was, staring at the man he had loved more than anything in the world.

 ** _More than anything I want to see you, girl_**

A man walked into view, practically hanging off the tall figure like a bad odour. They were together, their lips almost caught. Almost. The black head pulled back slightly, talking to another nearby, whilst the browner haired head moved closer to someone else. It was then the smile slipped, the light in the eyes faded and moved to the floor. Maybe the happiness wasn't real, maybe it wasn't as strong as before. No. He needed to be happy. If anything had come of this he needed to be happy.

As the song ended, as the last few notes played out, the blue eyes looked up, almost sensing Arthur's own. They locked, gaze on gaze. And then the smile came back, not the one he had previously worn with his new 'lover' but _his_ smile, the one solely kept for Arthur. It was his, _I'm not doing great but you're here and that's what matters_ smile. _Merlin's_ smile.

 ** _Take a glorious bite out of the whole world._**

* * *

 ** _Open ended I know (cowers from potential fruit) but in my head Merlin isn't fully happy with his new partner, still loving Arthur and his new love may not be loyal. So that's why the grin drops when they walk away. Merlin missed Arthur terribly and when he see's him again a little bit of the pain goes away. But, take it and make it as you will. I could potentially write another one shot to this some time in the future but no promises._**

 ** _I'm really sorry if it makes no sense, it is nearly 11pm with me. And especially with the over-use of 'he', I just didn't want to use Merlin's name, as you often don't with a past relationship._**

 ** _Anyway. Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed (though not surprised if you didn't). Take Care! X_**


End file.
